打開信箱, Jess寄給我的信和Netflix寄來的DVD-Tuesdays with Morrie
很可愛的小金魚信紙, Jess寫滿四張, 很窩心, 但也很迷惘是否我和她信裡描述的我是同一個人, 曾經如此嗎? 還是從未如此過? 她信裡寫著 - (Hope she won't mind my sharing) - "When I was praying for you, I kept thinking of you like the bud of a flower, and asked God to shine on you and blow a gentle breeze on you to open the blossom. ... Hidden away in your apartment is necessary and part of the plans, but things should't stay this way forever. You should be part of a community who can be impacted by you, and who can help you grow, too. So I look forward to seeing the rest of your life as it unfolds."
當我讀到"You should be part of a community who can be impacted by you, and who can help you grow, too." 我的心頭一怔, 因為有種釐清方向的感覺, 我最近常提到John Tosco, 他是一位音樂家, 到處尋找有才氣的音樂表演者, 並每年舉辦Tosco Music Party邀請大家來欣賞這些新音樂. 我真的很希望自己能像他一樣, 凝聚一種力量, 即使很微小, 但密度很高, 足夠讓一個小地方發光.
Jess的信擺在一旁, 打開DVD, 本將放入浪漫喜劇, 想想決定還是先看Tuesdays with Morrie. 很舒服的一段音樂, 按了Play, 一段段忙碌, 生命旅程, 愛, 活著和死亡的對話揭幕. 很喜歡一個人看電影, 因為很專心, 我哭了又笑了, 然後哭了很久, 很累, 但是很多很多驚訝與感動 -
- "Dying is just one thing to be sad about. Living unhappily is another matter."
- "Not letting ourselves be loved because we are too afraid to give ourselves to someone who we might lose." "
- "Forgive everyone and everything."
或許被愛和愛人都是一種冒險吧! 想著自己總是毫不猶豫的想學新東西就去作, 問自己為何不害怕去愛音樂, 愛畫畫, 但卻害怕愛人. 想了一會兒, 我想是因為fear of loss. 嘗新昰一種享受, 喜歡與否似乎掌握在自己手中, 音樂不會拒絕讓我去聽, 漂亮的風景不會拒絕給我的相機入鏡. 但是當喜歡的東西也有自己的喜歡, 有自己的個性, 似乎"愛"就變複雜了.
關於Forgiveness, 這大概是我突然哭的原因, 愛哭是天性, 但昨晚是第一次發現為何自己有很多的不開心 - I cannot forgive. I cannot forgive why people take credits from others' hard work. I cannot forgive why people say one thing and do the other. I cannot forgive why people are not kind to others... thus, those inner voices surround me when I talk to those people. I cannot smile or be kind to them. And they cannot, either.
但是我不知道要怎麼寬恕, 怎麼不計較過去, 怎麼重新來過. 我想到Jess說的話, 只覺得自己很脆弱, 害怕被陰影打碎, 不過第一次, 覺得自己很富足, 因為釐清, 因為承認弱點, 因為會感動, 因為了解.
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