Archive - 從點滴中累積的能量

這URL是我在PChome上從2003/9/11離開台灣來美國唸書到2004/6/19在Charlotte實習的所有點滴生活紀錄. 希望從字裡行間中可以循出些蛛絲馬跡, 看到自己的改變和成長, 不論是勇敢了還是膽怯了, 不論是更獨立了抑或更依賴了, 只希望這些文字與記憶能累積出某些能量 - 一股告訴自己不論怎樣都要繼續微笑前進的力量.

http://mypaper.pchome.com.tw/news/valerie68/

2005/03/27 - 有趣的文化差異

頓時想記錄下一些有趣的發現.
剛到美國時, 總覺得用自動筆很不方便, 因為很難找到有賣筆心的地方, 而且筆心往往選擇很少且都很貴. 前陣子, 在和老闆討論事情的時候, 他clicked自動筆發現筆心用完了, 便隨手丟到垃圾筒, 從筆筒裡那十幾隻的自動筆中拿了一隻來繼續寫, 我當時眼睛瞪大 (我心裡想什麼, 臉上的表情總是藏不住), 老闆問我為何很驚訝, 我把自動筆的筆心從筆尾拿出來, 告訴他這筆可以重複使用, 他似乎從不覺得自動筆和鉛筆的主要差異在於可以不斷裝入筆心重複使用, 我們兩個笑了也似乎都各有了一個新發現.

另一個發現則是關於How are you?的文化.
我隔壁cube坐的是一個很開朗的南美洲女生, 我們偶爾會互相教對方自己的母語, 她教我一些西班牙文的問候語, 我教她早/午/晚安等問候語, 有一回她問我 "Have a nice weekend" and "How are you?" 的中文怎麼說, 我本想直接翻譯, 但突然發現...在台灣我們似乎沒有說過 "祝你有個愉快的週末!" 或是 "你好嗎?" 等招呼語, 她問我那人與人之間見面時都說什麼? 我想了一會兒, 好像就只是早/午/晚安和再見, 接著就是自行發揮 - 熟的就直接切入彼此都熟悉的主題, 不熟的就談天氣之類的. 或許亞洲人比較reserved, 在美國, 每個人在公司見面都一定會打招呼, 即使不認識也會說聲" How are you?" 之類的話, 我和那位南美洲的女生都一至認同, 其實美國人說" How are you?"時並沒有期待一個真正的答案; 我同事接著說, 她發現許多人總是一邊走一邊說" How are you?" 然後就擦身而過, 有時你連回答都還沒說出口, 對方已經轉個彎消失了. 她說在南美洲, 或許是步調比較慢, 人和人之間總是很熱情相待, 說" How are you?" 時, 眼睛是會看著對方的, 也會聽完對方說 "Good!" 或其他答案之後, 才彼此說聲" Have a good day!" 而離開. 記得在電影" Before Sunset" 中, 那位巴黎女生也說她對美國人的" How are you?" "Great! How are you?" 的文化覺得很有趣, 因為巴黎人總習慣保持某種距離. 我在想, 或許, 美國人像小狗一般地熱情, 巴黎人比較像貓, 有點冷漠卻又很浪漫; 至於亞洲人, 想不到一種動物可以形容我們這種內斂又富有人情味的個性, 或許像蜜蜂或螞蟻, 勤奮的群居動物... 你覺得呢?

2005/03/20 - Biking

今天一早洗好衣服後, 看著很陽光的天氣, 本想鑽回被窩睡覺的我, 突然決定去騎腳踏車, 上回撘公車時發現許多local roads有人行道, 我查了到中國超市的路線, 發現只有3 miles, 便決定來個小冒險. 騎不久便遇到不少困難, 路線圖所建議的方式很不好走, 人行道很窄, 又都是上坡, 感覺騎起來不安全, 所以我就決定繞遠路, 其實只是從200 N. Tryon street騎到4500 N. Tryon street而已, 但一路上好幾次都想打退堂鼓, 因為沿途的環境真的很不熟悉, 又有點荒涼, 或是不太適合騎腳踏車, 不過我終究還是到了, 到了的時候, 雖很開心卻只告訴自己: 下次別騎這段路了, 坐公車回家比較安全.

買了很多想吃很久卻不曾讓自己買過的"奢華"食物 (奢華其實是junk food/ 零嘴的代名詞) - 糯米粉 (想試試看妹妹推薦的快速麻藷點心), 一包水餃(這可是我到美國兩年來的第一包水餃), 現作的叉燒包, 土豆麵筋和牛肚.

說到"牛肚", 這道菜和滷牛筋同昰我的最愛, 我鼓起勇氣決定買來滷滷看, 牛筋因為看到時被那原貌嚇到, 決定先從滷牛肚開始. 有時覺得廚師是很勇敢的工作, 尤其是中國料理的廚師, 我這陣子看到活魚和雞腿的原貌時, 不知怎地總買不下去, 大概是之前認識很多vegetarians... 不過我還是很懷念家裡的蒸魚和滷雞腿, 心口不一真不應該.

Charlotte的公車都有bike rack, 所以可以把腳踏車架在公車前方, 一個好心的黑人主動幫我抬上去, 就這樣我帶著滿滿的食物開心地回到了uptown, 現在廚房裡正散發著滷牛肚的香味呢! (其實是從台灣帶來的滷包的功勞) 生活其實可以多采多姿, 只要多一點勇氣去嘗試, 或者多一點任性去寵愛自己.

2005/3/18 - 歸零

發現這部電影, 好像是在netflix的網站上看到movie trailer, 突然記起當初教授Paul Wang給我們看過Before Sunrise的一個片段, 我租時以為是Before Sunset (它的續集). 收到時, 我發現這部是描述在Before Sunrise九年以後的重聚, 故事很短很簡單, 但不知怎地, 我專心到看完時有種好像自己之前忘了呼吸的感覺, 裡面有許多很多我很喜歡的對白, 其中一句是: "Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past."

來到美國後, 創造或儲藏美好的回憶成為生命中很重要的一部分, 要記得每個微笑的瞬間, 當時身邊有哪些朋友, 一同體驗了哪些快樂的事, 但是, 回憶的力量似乎又遠大於一段經驗的存在, 有時不滿足, 忘了從前的自己其實只要一滴點兒的幸福便能快樂很久很久; 有時膽怯, 以為回憶中的傷口只有麻木才能癒合; 很多人總喜歡灑脫地說回憶是過去發生的事, 應該let go and 活在當下, 我想, 每個現在都是許多點滴過去累積起來的瞬間, 活在當下, 不應該是放下過往, 而應是有勇氣去擁抱過去的開心與不開心, 然後吸收每個微笑和傷口的正面力量, 不去期待未來要更多更好, 而是深呼吸後將對未來的期待歸零, 腳踏實地的前進.

只是, 如果人對未來沒有了期待, 會不會變得麻木

2005/03/12 - 新發現

前一陣子朋友跟我說有公車到一家電影院, 今天下午我便隻身前往, 沿途發現很多有趣的店, 包括一家Art store和賣花與各式容器的店, 也發現許多漂亮的大房子, 沿途我做了些筆記, 想著如果慢慢把各公車沿途景點紀錄下來, 應該週末假日就多了許多可以探險的地方了.

陽光很舒服, 沿途的住宅周圍懷繞著許多很高的大樹, 頓時覺得Charlotte是一個家庭居住的好環境, $250,000左右就有很不錯的houses, 對面坐著一對母子, 媽媽沿途跟小孩解釋這是學校, 醫院, 或挖土機, 台灣很少媽媽會一直跟自己的小朋友聊天說話. 開心地發現14號公車真的很方便, 可以帶我到Walmart, Barnes & Nobles, 電影院以及許多餐廳.

下午一點只有一部Sideways上映, 我看了時間, 決定一路接著Million Dollar Baby看下去, 看完時已經六點多了, 很累卻覺得很充實, 都是很好的電影.

Sideways的人物角色都很平凡, 但是在兩性之間的矛盾以及情緒上的描述卻很細膩, 背景是加州北方的酒郷, 以品酒的過程點滴貫穿整個故事, 也透露出每個角色的個性. 女主角描述她對酒的情感時, 讓我頓時對葡萄酒有一種很深的感動, 她說 "我喜歡品酒時想著每一瓶酒所用的果實是在怎樣的氣候下成長, 採收及釀造, 每瓶酒都擁有著一種生命力, 不斷在蛻變, 同一瓶酒, 今天或明天鑑賞都不一樣"; 我想像著那每瓶酒中所醞釀的生命力, 下回若有機會走在酒架旁, 似乎每瓶酒皆可嗅出不同的故事.

Million Dollar Baby則很令人感動, 覺得拳擊手的生涯有著許多的掙扎, 拳擊教練懺誨著, 我的眼眶也跟著在電影院裡濕了.

2005/03/11 - I Like You

我大概已經買了超過十本這書送給許多好朋友, 很小的一本書, 但昰每次我讀都有種不同的開心回憶, 浮現許多許久不見的好朋友, 在Amazon又訂了兩本, 這回是英文版的, 決定把它重要的句子字字記錄下來

I Like You ~ by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I like you and I know why
I like you because you are a good person to like
I like you because when I tell you something special
You know it's special
And you remember it
A long long time
You say
Remember when you told me something special
And both of us remember

When I think something is important
You think it's important, too
When I say something funny
You laugh
I think I am funny and you think I am funny, too

I like you because you know where I am ticklish
And you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do then I know where to tickle you, too
You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boys are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly
We fool around the same way all the time
Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places

If I pretend I am drowning
You pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag
Then you are getting ready to jump
That's because you really like me
You really like me, don't you?
And I really like you back
And you like me back
And I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going every day

If you go away
Then I go away, too
Or if I stay at home, you send me a postcard
You don't just say
Well, see you around some time, bye.
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away, I send you a postcard, too
And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me
Hey, where are you? Here I am.

And I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away
Sometimes, it is better to be sad
You can't stand the other being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time

I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me, too
It's awful when the other person isn't

If you find two four-leaf clovers
You give me one
If I find four
I give you two
If we only find three
We keep on looking

If I break my arm and if you break your arm, too
Then, it is fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine
You tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures
We show everybody and they wish they have a broken arm, too

We could be a holiday
We could be a celebration
We could be a whole parade
See what I mean?
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
That's how it would happen every time
I don't know why
I guess I don't know why I like you really
I guess I just like you

A peaceful corner ...  

My lovely honey pine dining set!

It took me almost 8 hours in total to finish assembling the benches and table. My hands almost got numb for two days from screwing all the nails. They came in three packages and it was my first time to envy the advantage of being a man - with stronger arms. :) One small piece for the corner bench is broken and thus the corner is missing the support part for now. Each bench has a small storage place underneath the seating area. Lovely design!

When I searched the dining sets online, I fell in love with this one right away and just cannot help but order the entire set after several days' research. Although I might be the only one enjoying my dinner with them, This has become my favorite corner for reading, drawing and enjoying my meals.

2005/2/26 Home Projects

這幾天Charlotte的天氣都出奇地晴朗, 白天延長了, 背對Uptown的高樓便昰廣闊- 蔚藍的天空, 襯著幾片白雲以及飛機飛過的痕跡; 我常常下班時從遠處望著自己的家, 覺得自己住在一大片藍天底下, 總不經意地深呼吸, 微笑.

陸續地收到自己網路訂購的組裝家具, 從第一個project - 鏡子到簡易的TV-stand, 第一次用drill在牆壁打洞時, 心裡很緊張又很興奮, 放入anchor, 釘入釘子, 發現自己想念起中學的工藝課. 忍不住買下那有點貴的dining set, 僅是因為頓時愛上那種Brazil Honey Pine Finish原木的觸感以及corner chair的環繞感, 完成dining table時, 我的臉頰貼近桌面, 趴著, 覺得很開心.

雖然因為用screw driver太用力, 紅腫的大拇指今天一早近乎失去觸覺, 看著自己一步步建立起來的家逐漸地有了床, 有了桌椅, 以及自己拼湊出了不同的小角落 – 鋪上墨綠色毛毯的行李廂, 加上靠枕變成的小沙發, 成了我喝咖啡看雜誌的角落; 摺疊futon可以懶洋洋地看著電視或上網, 餐桌裝飾著戶外撿到的松果以及古典的小水晶檯燈, 可以幸福地享受我最愛的烤鮭魚晚餐.我也期待著收到自己訂的artificial sun flowers, 幻想著有一個向日葵花園, 希望可以用陽光的顏色照亮整個家.

提到花, 以前的我總覺得一個家簡單乾淨就好, 或許等到自己一個人住, something cheerful頓時變得很重要, 希望回到家可以看到讓自己開心的事物, 不知這昰學會享受幸福, 抑或是一種脆弱.

尋找著生活中安定幸福的輪廓 ~

2005/2/21 - 美國南方的廟宇

Chinese New Year的那個Weekend, 我和惠萍(新認識的台灣女生)在往downtown的路上發現這間廟, 很難想像在Charlotte, 一個美國南方的小城市, 竟有一間傳統的廟宇, 舞龍舞獅的還是美國人呢! 很可惜沒有拍到, 很多美國人帶著認養的中國女孩來, 他們自己的小孩也穿著傳統的紅色棉襖.

我興奮地走進去拜拜, 廟裡頗富麗堂皇, 但卻少了香薰的味道以及煙霧裊裊的景象, 我閉上眼, 合掌祈求上天保佑我的家人和朋友都能平安, 健康, 快樂

My Favorite Portrait

Al Hirschfeld's line drawings captured the vividness of American theater- an exhibition in Charlotte public library.

2005/02/16 - 填滿

很久沒有平靜微笑的自然醒來, 今天腦中頓時浮現孫燕姿的"我也很想他", 眼睛慢慢地睜開, 不知為何, 旋律充滿著天花板, 我看一下鬧鐘, 六點五分, 仍打開電腦, 只想寫下一些感覺, 謝謝這首歌幫我把空蕩填滿.

想到這首歌, 只是因為喜歡鋼琴的簡單旋律, 令人平靜.

我看著歌詞, 想著有多少人曾經幸運地尋找到了交會的瞬間或永遠, 或有多少人, 曾經擁有了那一點點的相近卻無法交會的錯過 - 感覺來得太早, 或遲來, 或錯過, 亦或必須努力壓碎, 碎到不會被發現那感覺曾經存在.

感覺像是一種空氣, 把生命中空白的片段填滿, 讓我們不覺得空虛, 仍可以大口呼吸; 少了它, 生命仍可以被填滿, 只是缺乏氧氣的日子, 深呼吸的微笑會很遠很遠

2005/2/13 - Yuki...我的可愛貓

今天接到姐姐寄來的e-maili時, 看著我家貓咪Yuki出浴的大頭照, 突然眼淚就掉了下來, 我希望自己可以做個勇敢女生

2005/2/12 - Inspiration

I woke up today at 6:30 am, and tried to force myself to sleep more but somehow I just cannot. I sat up and wondered what to do during this weekend. I opened my drawer and picked a CD of the Corrs for my Sat morning music. I was not sure what happened but I felt like dancing which I haven't done since college. (Note: I am not at all a pub-hopper or the underground. I only danced in the summer camps we held for teenagers when I was in college.) I let my inspiration lead my body and felt so relaxed with sweat.

I think some little craziness helps me get happier. I almost forgot that I used to be very lively and energetic. But what happens over these years? I don't have a definite answer but I guess it is the magic of friendship. My friends in college school club are all very playful and energetic. I was spoiled at that time when we just went wherever and whenever we want to go. When people get into the workplace, we forget that life used to be a bit irrational, crazy or romantic. We are also required to focus on proccess and objectives. I am not sure whether that is what we call as "being mature." If so, I think I have a "kid syndrome" and will wither away if no such inspiration flowing into me. :-)

2005/1/25 - Room 303, 301 and a little cat ~

Today, I finally got my Internet access and cable TV. I was so excited that I decided to stay up late till 12 am. (not a big deal for most of you, right?!) But can you imagine how difficult it is to live alone in a small, southern city with fewer than 2 friends (fairly new friends) and with no cooker or digital entertainment? Well, you might say "how about reading a book?" After more than 10-hour of work, I get lazy and only want to be a couch-potato sitting in front of TV surfing the Internet or chatting with friends over IM. (I plan to change my lifestyle but probably not in the winter.)

I met my neighbors last Sunday. It was freezing that morning. I needed to do my laundry and had asked for landlady's help to unlock the laundry room. Unfortunately, after I put the soap in, I realized that the washer requires another card to turn it on. Not knowing what to do. I decided to knock my neighbor's door. I remembered I've seen her once before I moved in. She opened the door with a big warm smile. I tried to borrow the card from her but she said she had the washer and dryer so I can just use hers. So three of us (another girl is her roommate) had a nice, Sunday morning conversation. Thanks for the laundry incident!

Both of them like outdoor activities, especially the girl from Alaska. Yes, she is from Alaska originally living in the igloo and having a polar bear as her childhood pet. Just kidding! She said Alaska is similar to Charlotte but with fewer tall buildings. We talked about dessert, snowboarding, rock-climbing and earthquake. Alaska gets large earthquakes times to times. (almost 9.0 !!) She is a bridge engineer. Her roommate is a web designer. I told them that they should work together to design a stylish, modern bridge for Charlotte.

They had a cat, too. I happened to mention to them I saw a cat hiding on our 2nd floor on Friday night. I brought it a towel but I cannot find any food for cats. They were shocked and said that was the night they lost their cat and found it stayed near a towel. No wonder I felt familiar when I saw their cat this morning. It was a nice coincidence and I am so glad that the little cat is safe and warm now.

I have been pretty busy these three weeks. I got my friend's e-mail today with the story of her trip to Thailand. Probably I should start planning my trip to refresh myself. Any suggestion?

2005/1/7 Yummy Sushi!

Yummy Sushi Night

I met a very nice girl, Rho. She is originally from Philippine but her whole family is in California for many many years. It was quite a coincidence how Rho and I met each other. One Thursday night, I left my keys at the office and had just bought a lot of groceries, I stood in front of the apartment wondering what to do. Rho just came out from the gym and I asked her whether she has the leasing office phone number and explained to her my situation. She told me if I trust her, I can leave my groceries at her place and go back to the office to grab the keys. ... After I came back with my keys, I gave her a ring to pick up my groceries and we had a great conversation at her well-decorated place. After that, we become friends. So I hope it is a good start of my Charlotte network.

Anyway, we went to this nice sushi place, called Nikki, yesterday and it was a lot of fun. Most of the chefs are from Japan. But the owner is a Korean and her husband is a Danish/Japanese mix. Rho said most of the people here are so friendly that she comes here quite often. Rho is really a lively and friendly person. She knows almost everyone in the restaurant.

Rho has also invited a guy whom she just started dating with. We sat on the counter where we can watch the chef preparing sushi. It was my first time to eat sushi and chatted with the chefs. The sushi/ sashimi were awesome. What surprises me is that Rho and her bf, an American, love "Fried Shrimp Heads." They can even teach me how to enjoy those shrimp heads. I guess it is because it tastes like crunchy potato chips.

I seldom really "cook" recently since if I cook too large a portion, I will end up eating more. Another problem is that it is also strange to go to a restaurant alone. So I think I will need to decorate my dining place nicely so that even if I carry out the food, I can enjoy the atmosphere of a nice restaurant at my own place. That's my small project now.

2005/1/1 Happy 2005!!

Happy 2005!!

Christmas, 2004 - Charlotte Metro Area

Charlotte Uptown Christmas Scene

2005/01/01 First Diary Entry in 2005

It is 6 p.m. now and I am sitting at the dining table typing my first diary entry in 2005. Yesterday, there was a “Noon Year’s Eve” for family and children. I took off from work earlier around noon and sat on the bench in the street enjoying my polish sausage sandwich. It was a nice, warm sunny day. I counted down with kids and their parents at 12 p.m. Happy 2005!!

In the evening, I still believed the old tradition that we need to clean up the house before the New Year. So I spent some time cleaning up the house and washing the dishes. As for count-down event, although I was worried about going out alone late at night, I checked the live local news and decided to join the crowd. I walked down the street and saw many people line up to get a glass of beer or a funnel cake.

Walking around the street aimlessly in the last few hours of 2004, I found that those Starbucks employees are the only people I know at that time. Since I was a loyal customer, they know me by my name, too. But obviously, they were really busy. I watched them over the window and decided to head towards the other side of the street. Music was loud and some people were dancing happily on the street. I took some pictures but then felt a bit uneasy to stand on the street alone. I called a few friends and happily, Pan picked up the phone. It was nice to have someone to say Happy New Year to. No worry, with the loneliness, I still had my smile on in the first minute of 2005.

I went to bed late but woke up this morning with the first beam of sunshine and said Happy New Year to myself quietly. I started to bake a carrot cake and did my laundry. The carrot cake mix went out pretty well. I enjoyed it with some milk. I played the CD that I borrowed from the library, Ella Fitzgerald’s jazz music. Suddenly, I realized that jazz is not the type of music when you feel lonely. Honestly, I felt quite empty recently but I told myself things will turn better after I settle down at the new place where I plan to move in soon.

I have already got several plans for my new life – Chinese calligraphy, hand-craft, painting, baking and exercising so I am pretty looking forward to the changes of pace. However, I know that life has changed a little bit too fast for me to catch up from the second half of 2004 – internship, moving, last quarter of school, job hunting, working from home, going back to Taiwan, working at Chicago, graduating from school, relocating to Charlotte, house-hunting, new colleagues and environment and lastly, all those friendship and emotion binding. I guess I am quite overwhelmed by these fast-changing life events.

With the coming of 2005, I pray for being happy, healthy and wise. In other words, as the old saying goes, early to bed and early to rise – my 2005 New Year’s resolution.

Happy New Year! I am so lucky to have you as my friends and family.

2004/12/26 Wondering

很久沒好好靜下來寫日記, 電視訊號不良, 網路modem連不上線, 或許是某種警訊, 告訴自己該昰時候, 減少那對科技與聲光訊號過日子的依賴

今天第一次踏進大樓的健身房, 看著電視節目, 發現”分心”昰運動的一大動力, 很喜歡自己運動完的臉, 眼睛亮了, 臉也亮了, 笑了

只是當想到那國中到大學的球場, 又回到主題, 依賴機器規律的聲音, 會讓我恐懼安靜.

只希望哪一天, 運動後的句點, 不再昰跑步機的一聲長嗶, 按下off關掉電視, 然後被那剎那間的寧靜怔住.

如果可以, 讓一幅畫面畫下句點: 三, 四個好友坐在操場聊天, 吹著風, 汗濕著, 臉頰通紅著, 笑著, 望著, 天空藍著, 多好…

當只有自己的時候, 我總不覺得自己特別處在什麼國家, 直到出了門, 看不見與自己長相類似的臉孔, 聽不見很熟悉的語言, 頭腦便自然地轉了一圈, 學會熱情待人, 寒暄及打招呼, 微笑或大笑, 好面對這個隨時隨地都要很有活力的民族, 以及隨時隨地都要知道Why/What and How的工作環境, 不斷加熱, 保溫, 加熱, 對我這恆溫動物而言, 學會10秒內, 深吸一口氣, 讓熱情從聲音和微笑中發散, 大概是這一年多來的最大收穫, 希望熱情的南方能讓這一切轉變軟化層層堡壘防衛的心, 找到一個暖暖的出口

每個人都在世界不同的角落, 過著自己的生活, 但卻背著同樣的時鐘, 一分鐘60秒, 一小時60分鐘, 一天24小時, 一年365天, 只是我的第26年, 你的第40年, 她的第15年, 該有怎樣的不同?